In reference of combining all of my journals I wrote through my original #fetlife account which I will post the link at the bottom for the clarifications thereof, I am going to have the transparency brought forward as to what can be seen from the original posting dates as to the current timeframe of this day 28 November 2021 for those to see as to my original #Facebook accounts of Susan MeeLing as well as Lady Dori Belle for the additional ability to see the connection links as to what I had discussed for many years and decades in person as well as online as to such factors as best as I could as to the circumstances. Possibly such details will assist to make sense, in the comparisons thereof as to the amounts of details though in addition I do not pretend or hide myself from my truth which others should realize it is important to be honest and truthful in many more ways than just in one or two moments as it is imperative to be more capable to recognize the truth in such aspects of life for far more than some might have realized despite all of my warnings as to what I knew to bring forward to assist as best as possible.
I will begin with posting my newer updated journals from my original account and work backwards as to the irony I noticed. There will be plenty to read in the ways of, whether or not you choose to venture into the areas of the website fetlife.
Posted on 17 January 2011
Re-evaluation of Self
I am re-evaluating what I live by, and in alphabetical order, I am going to explore the 8 most important concerns to my well-being, how I try to live them daily, and how I will try to improve upon them. I am not perfect, though I strive to be, ever-so hard. I mentally know that it is impossible to reach perfection, though I still strive for it. Maybe it is the Virgo in me, maybe it is something else in me; who knows what it is? However, there is a driving force within me to be the best at something...even though I know there will always be at least 3 people better at it than me. So why bother trying if one is always going to be left behind? Because it is always good to better oneself than lay to the wayside; in my opinion.
COMPASSION
In BDSM, I feel that I offer compassion during and throughout the scene, but especially towards the end of a scene, when I am coddling my partner and telling them how good of a job they did; depending on what the play involved. Though it is not something that I am proficient at, I am still learning more about it, and how much or how little to administer; depending upon the submissive’s needs. Some may call it a bit of After-Care, but I think that After-Care has to have quite a bit of compassion involved in order for everyone to feel fulfilled inside from the scene. I will, try to, and do to the best of my ability, live this out by paying attention to my play partners’ needs, their bodies’ reactions, what I pick up energetically, etc. In Vanilla life, I believe it is also a part of the vanilla world as we need it in our daily lives to deal with what we see every day; wherever we go, whatever we do, we need to have compassion in our hearts. For our children, so they grow to be loving; for our friends, so they can be prosperous and happy; for our neighbors, so they may succeed, for ourselves for what we have been through, and so on.
HAPPINESS
Living this value requires a combination of all of the 7 other elements combined with a little bit of luck, environment, nurture, and ego; in my opinion. To live in happiness, in my eyes, would be to live spiritually and with self-control, to live in honor with compassion; while loving and taking care of hygiene. Being thankful would come naturally with it all, bringing it all into balance…at least in my opinion. On a practical level, I can bring these qualities into my life day by day and strive to better myself and my world to create a happier me.
HONOR
I work at living honorably by trying to do what is right no matter what has happened. I may not always succeed as I am not perfect, though as a Virgo, I strive to be ever-so hard, I realize my limitations for the most part. I try to treat those who have earned it, with respect, and even those who have no respect, with some respect as well. It may pain me to do so, but I still try to. I hold people with training, experience, and wisdom in high esteem and that is also why I am attracted to the Old Guard as well as Leather. The TNG thing is fine and well for those who enjoy it, but I am attracted to ritual, tradition, protocol, and the like; I feel it would be dishonorable to let the information pass by. It is too precious and too valueable to not know where we came from to see where we are going to prevent some mistakes and to aid in future decisions for the community. In the Vanilla world, I feel it is the same way. How could one not live honorably and not respect that which has come before them? There is so much to learn. On a practical level, it aids me in keeping my life in check, keeping me in balance, and keeping me honest within myself.
So in keeping with the theme of honor, I want to exorcise some demons. I am sorry for the times that I tried to hurt myself purposely. I am sorry for the times I have tried to hurt others purposely who did not deserve it. I am sorry for all of the bad things that I have said, all of the bad things that I have done, all of the bad things that I have thought...I wish no ill will, but that comes into another element, later in the writing. I am sorry for the mistakes that I have made. I am sorry for the bad choices that I have chosen. Head injury or not, I made those choices. Young child or not, I made those choices. I am the one who made the choices, nonetheless. I am sorry for the damage I have created and the hurt that I have caused. I know now that then I was not making honorable decisions, now I am changing my course to make honorable choices.
HYGIENE
I work at living this value and will continue to try to live this by taking care of myself and living in a healthy way. I was injured in the Army in 2000 and now I have to take certain precautions when it comes to things in and out of the scene. I have to take medications to keep me whole and balanced. I have to make sure that I am in check at all times, even when I don’t want to, sometimes even when I can’t recognize that I need to. Many circumstances have been compromised for me due to this injury and my hygiene requires the utmost maintinence upkeep for my benefit as well as for my children’s benefit. Also, I made a very stupid mistake in 2010, I was irresponsible with myself and with another person and I could have gotten myself and other people injured. Now that I know better, I know to take necessary precautions and what to stay away from in order to keep myself and mine safe and healthy.
LOVE
I will live this value by having more than just feelings of fondness for myself…well…I should say more than that, I suppose. I will be honest, frankly, I am what I am, nothing really any different than anyone else out there. Just trying to get along in the world, finding my place to see what I am here to do, help with, and achieve in this life time…or maybe I am supposed to just fail in this life time…who knows? Either way, I am here, learning, growing, seeing, living, and loving life as it comes to me, for the most part; except for the pain, I could deal without that of course.
I know one should love themselves before they love someone else, but I am ok with myself; I do not necessarily love myself, but I do not necessarily hate myself either. It is not like it used to be, at least. And when it comes to others, I am not nearly as mean as I used to be, either. I am more caring, kind, and compassionate now than I ever have been; normal hair or red hair. On a practical level, I am working on loving myself more, and in turn learning to love other people more. I of course, love my children unconditionally, but I am opening myself to allow other people in slowly, but surely. It has been a long road, but I am actually letting my walls down, but not just to anyone, to myself.
My Fiance, my one true love, the one who I cannot see my life without...sigh...makes me all mushy inside...and I cannot help it. He knows me so well, yet he is so mesmerized by me...and I am the same way with him...I know him so well and yet I am so mesmerized by him...I think of him and my heart goes all aflutter...I see him and I melt...it's all gooey-girly and stuff...I kind of can't get over it sometimes as I used to be such a tomboy...sigh...oh the days when I used to play football, street hockey, and so on...sigh...
SELF-CONTROL
Anyone who knows me, who really knows me, will get this one...well...the second part of this mainly...though the first one as well...I cannot deny...I will live with self-control by taking over my emotions and stop letting them rule me. I will allow my intellect to take control more often, and though it has its issues, learn so I can make better choices. I will work on curbing my impulses so I am more within myself instead of so outside of myself. On a practical level, this means I need to control myself on eBay. Really. I go a little overboard at times getting myself a few things here and there. A costume here, a corset there, a wedding thing where? I know I need to stop, or at least slow myself down, so this month I will be setting up a budget for the following months for eBay purchases to be included with my regular budget, to which I plan on figuring out to the best of my ability today.
SPIRITUALITY
I try to live spiritually, but I am not as spiritual as I would like to be. I do not go to church, but I am not Christian even though I was raised Presbyterian. I have studied many forms of religions, as all have intrigued me in one way, shape, or form, but nothing stuck with me as much as the Fey, the Dragons, and Buddhism. Partially because I am Irish (25%), partially because I am Chinese (50%), I think I have my affinity towards certain creatures and religious paths; though I could be wrong. I enjoy my spirituality, though I wish I could make more time for it. When I do have time for it, I enjoy it immensely. When I do not have time for it, I miss it so. Practically, ideally, it would be a great idea to set up standardized times daily, or at least weekly for me to practice my spirituality, to which I plan on scheduling in time today as well.
THANKFULNESS
I work on living and strive to live this value by appreciating what I do have versus what I do not have. Through my injury I lost a lot of things, but I do appreciate what I have left, whatever it may be. I may not appreciate the pain that I am in constantly, but at least I am still alive. Each day is a brand new day with wonderful new possibilities that can bring new adventures and horizons beyond the wildest dreams. Who knows what could happen within the next blink of an eye? Daily, I strive to be thankful for my children, for they bring me joy and they are my world. I do not know what I would do without them in my world. I am thankful for my life for I know that life is precious and should not be left to waste. I am thankful for my experiences for they have lead me to where I am today. I am thankful for where I am going for I am learning new things that I hope are for my highest good and for my best interests always. I try to remain thankful to remain happy even in the worst of times. I am thankful for the new things I learn each day, even if I am to forget them by the next day; it was still great to have experienced them for the moment as I did live in them to the fullest and the best of my capabilities at that time. Pick a Road Day returns! ...it's been awhile...
So this is me...this is what I believe in...this is what I am working on within myself...this is what I am doing...I am trying to be a better person...I may not always succeed, but I do try...brightest blessings....
www. fetlife .com/users/484330/posts/519797
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