In reference of combining all of my journals I wrote through my original #fetlife account which I will post the link at the bottom for the clarifications thereof, I am going to have the transparency brought forward as to what can be seen from the original posting dates as to the current timeframe of this day 28 November 2021 for those to see as to my original #Facebook accounts of Susan MeeLing as well as Lady Dori Belle for the additional ability to see the connection links as to what I had discussed for many years and decades in person as well as online as to such factors as best as I could as to the circumstances. Possibly such details will assist to make sense, in the comparisons thereof as to the amounts of details though in addition I do not pretend or hide myself from my truth which others should realize it is important to be honest and truthful in many more ways than just in one or two moments as it is imperative to be more capable to recognize the truth in such aspects of life for far more than some might have realized despite all of my warnings as to what I knew to bring forward to assist as best as possible.
I will begin with posting my newer updated journals from my original account and work backwards as to the irony I noticed. There will be plenty to read in the ways of, whether or not you choose to venture into the areas of the website fetlife.
Posted on 20 December 2012
Day Four: 7 things that cross your mind a lot...
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot...
20 December 2012
Before I start, I must say that This List of exercises is much more thought provoking than I originally thought that it would be. I was going to do this seriously to begin with, but soon in...I came to the conclusion that this was going to be much harder than anticipated.
With each exercise, I think that I have done decently - well enough, to go through myself as far as I did, within that entry.
Though, I will admit; there are times when I think about what I am about to say, that I laugh at the fact that each day; I only remember about the Writing for that particular day. Once I have written it; it is mostly gone from my thoughts, unless I see a comment about the Writing. Due to my head injury; I literally forget what is on the list; even after I finished reading it, not but a few hours prior...unless...as I said...someone makes a remark. There are only a SMALL FEW amount of Writings, from my collection, that I continuously remember that I have Written; so with that said, every time I read The List each morning to see the exercise...even though I fully read it the day before...I know I read it the day before...however...there is no actual memory of it happening...therefore, every time I re-read The List; it is as if it is the first time.
Which leads me into:
Day Four: Seven things that cross my mind a lot...
1.) It is said that "Every day is a brand new day."
For me...that statement is more true than to most...
Yes, most know that I have had a head injury. Yes, I have explained a lot about the head injury's repercussions in my life, in my body, within my mind, within my heart, and at times - even within my soul... Yes, I have written all sorts of different information about my head injury and my limitations and my so on and so forth.
However, this part, though I have not written much, if at all about; is something I rarely speak of.
I have stated that I have memory problems because of my injury. Though to the degree, I do not recall going into that much detail. I remember talking about how much information I have lost, but not this aspect of the memory problems.
As I said, it is proclaimed constantly that every day is a new day; and as I said, that statement rings true to me more than anyone will ever understand what it is like.
Whenever I wake up, whether it is from a nap or from bedtime; I am not awoken like normal people, as in the matter of by an alarm clock, though of course I have and do use one...though the noise that comes from the machine in order to wake me up, is painful to my ears and head...so...my body seems to have come accustomed to waking up before the alarm clock goes off.
However, when I awake from my slumber, it is not a streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch because I got a wonderful nights sleep...it is usually when I wake up, "OW! Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!!!"
If I am lucky, it is just a headache/migraine that feels like my head is in a vice...but there are times when I am awoken by a striking pain as if an ice pick has been driven through my skull and into my brain. That pain will literally shoot me straight up out of bed, quicker than anyone has seen someone get out of bed, as usually, whenever my body reacts and jumps...I land on the floor. ...and I have a TALL bed...
Once I become consciously aware of my surroundings, as I have been able to break through the pain enough to see where I am at. THAT is when my day begins.
Once up, I recognize my apartment, but there have been times where I wonder why I am at the place I am, for I do not recognize my place and have stumbled around and wandered throughout the entire space owned, to see what and where everything is...until it finally hits me where I am, and I go on my way. Sometimes, I end up being ok afterwards, while other times, I am completely freaked out about forgetting that I lived where I am...it all depended on the day and the pain I was in.
There have been times that I have even been on my computer on my patio, and I had to stop whatever I was doing, because I forgot where I was...let alone doing...and that goes for regular things as well.
I have lists, pretty much everywhere to aid me...but until I see those lists...I completely have no remembrance of even writing whatever was on the page.
2.) My children...
If my kids are in my home, with me...I wonder whether or not I am doing the correct things for them...
If my kids are at school, I hope and pray that nothing goes wrong there...and after Sandy Hook...the fear has only gotten worse...
If my children are at their friend's house, I wonder if they are having enough fun and if I am giving them enough room for growth. I daydream about them being within safety at all times while gone, and I worry as most mothers do...I would think...
If my children are with family members, I worry that I have done enough for the family to make sure they are not upset and think that I am abusing their help.
If my child is in a hospital...well...sigh...that one is just too much to write about here.
3.) The Hospitals...*
Those who know me, know that my daughter has been in and out of mental institutions for almost 3 years now... My daughter went through some severe trauma from her father not wanting to be a dad; from his and my separation; from my ex-husband's family treating her less than her brother for the reason of "Well...the boy carries on our last name...of course he is better and will be treated as such..."; from the school that she went to allowing the other students to tell her that her father deserved to die and we all deserve the same fate; to her teacher not giving her the attention needed; to the staff allowing the students to make fun of her mental problems; to the school not doing what they were supposed to for her IEP/ARD - which had lead to the most traumatic of all; ~ when the school put my daughter with 3 "moms" who were watching 5 other kids, and "some how" the parents lost her and my daughter, over whatever amount of time had been found by a security guard. Not only was that bad enough, but the school's staff blamed her for the separation, yelled at her for associating with the Security, and then called her a "2 year old" in front of her classmates, when my daughter had a mental breakdown as the class was discussing the zoo. As my child was banging her head against the wall; the teacher stood there allowing to have the students make fun of her and not stopping them, while the teacher repeated how "*****, you are acting like a 2 year old. You look like a 2 year old. Your tantrums are of a pre-schooler." ...and so on...
All combined, my daughter broke down mentally, and had to be hospitalized. Initially only short term...now...long term...which means I see my daughter only when I can make it to the hospital (as it is 2+ hours away) or when the staff of the hospital schedules and allows the visitation.
When I think about the hospitals, the medical bills are the last thing on my mind; as at that point...when it comes to getting my children the medical attention that they need...I will do anything...including selling my house for $88K under the going rate, after the market drop...just so I could make ends meet and take care of bills. Physical and material objects have very little meaning to me, most of the time. The object must be from someone I care about and cares about me, for me to place any value on anything. ...and still...to this day...my pictures that were lost from the move that were given back to me, will ALWAYS be my most treasured physical possessions.
However, when I think about the hospitals...I am sad and envious all at the same time... As the time has gone and goes on...the staffs at the different hospitals have seen my child more than I have because of the lock down system...and I am green as they were the ones who taught her about boys...I did a bit, but it was much later down the line, when I finally found out about one of her sexual assaults...which happened in one of the facilities...well...all did...
...lowers head...
My baby...sigh...
With the hospitals seeing her actually grow day by day, as she developed breasts...they were the ones who took the time to go out to buy her the first bras...not me...
She had her first period in Arkansas...and I was not allowed to be there...nor was I told until weeks later...
My daughter grows so much every time I see her...as the gap between the ability to give her a hug is such a great amount of time difference...that is feels like forever since I have held her...
Every single time...
...
4.) What am I doing?
Because of the fact that I am limited in what I can do and for how long I can do things...I wonder, "What am I doing that is worthwhile?"
Am I doing anything to aid anyone?
Do I have enough education for whatever I am speaking of?
Am I positively sure?
Do I live by my honest virtues, or by someone else's standards when I make a decision?
Can I do anything better to aid ______ situation?
If I can, how?
If I cannot, why? Am I not a good enough person to lend aid? Why? What can I improve?
Am I good enough? For anything? If so, what did I do to deserve/receive it?
What can I do to "be better?"
Why do these conditions affect me to the degree they do one day, and another, I am some what ok, and another, I am kosher, and another I am...? Can I find a way to fix it that I have not come across?
Do I do enough for my children?
Have I shown my kids the amount of love and devotion within my being for them?
Do I accomplish anything to be excited over each day? If not, why?
Do I look ok?
Am I ok?
...
...and so on...
5.) What can I wear?
Seems like a stupid question, as most females go through this question in their heads, repeatedly, for almost every event that they go through.
I go through that almost every single time I am preparing to go to an event...and my closet is sectioned off by style of clothing; i.e. short sleeve shirts, apart from jeans; apart from long sleeved shirt; apart from dress pants; apart from capris; apart from corsets ~ let alone style of - over or under bust; apart from business suits; apart from gowns; apart from costumes...and so on...
...and then everything in every section is organized by color, in order of the rainbow...
...yes...I am this CDO...
But whenever I go to my closet and my drawers; it is not just when I go to an event that I am wondering, "What can I wear?"...because I am also wondering, "What can't I wear?"
And as I said...this question does not only come around whenever I am preparing for a party or socialization...this goes on for just every day as well...
BUT NOT FOR THE REASON YOU THINK...
I absolutely have to be in comfortable clothes in the day and night. I cannot wear what I would love to wear every day, as the pain that would be added to my headaches and migraines that are already occurring, expands in an unreal fashion.
However, for events; as much as I adore comfort...my need, my compulsion, my protocol, my fetish, my etc.; is to dress as I do when I am at a social place.
Shoepidity...that is just ONE issue...
6.) Smoking cigarettes...
I have tried to quit many times; even as far as the electronic cigarette...which I did honestly enjoy, but I still craved the warmth of the flame...
However, one knows that they have a need for something within their body when one's children, in stereo, say "Please buy a pack of cigarettes, mommy," when the gas station cashier asks if there is anything else needed. Only after one month (maybe...maybe a little longer or shorter...but about that time amount) of not having 1 cigarette...not even to cheat...
...that sucked...
But obviously, I bought the pack of cigarettes and away I went...
I ponder going back to the e-cig for I do know I smoked less cigarettes...but I did smoke a lot on the battery, which would make it go out quickly...let alone the tips/oil needed for the thing to begin with...so whether it was good or bad is debatable...
Then I will think about quitting all together...but I just enjoy the smoke flavor too much...
7.) Of "What Is?" and of "Why am I here?" What is my purpose?
Enough said...
www. fetlife .com/users/484330/posts/1325563
In such a review as to 29 November 2021, the ironies as to the ability to see such realities as to what is of importance to me and what I have done to make attempts to fix and repair such aspects thereof. In regards as to in the other aspects of thoughts, where such wander as to such wonderings are as to such factors thereof as to such points in time.
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