In reference of combining all of my journals I wrote through my original #fetlife account which I will post the link at the bottom for the clarifications thereof, I am going to have the transparency brought forward as to what can be seen from the original posting dates as to the current timeframe of this day 28 November 2021 for those to see as to my original #Facebook accounts of Susan MeeLing as well as Lady Dori Belle for the additional ability to see the connection links as to what I had discussed for many years and decades in person as well as online as to such factors as best as I could as to the circumstances. Possibly such details will assist to make sense, in the comparisons thereof as to the amounts of details though in addition I do not pretend or hide myself from my truth which others should realize it is important to be honest and truthful in many more ways than just in one or two moments as it is imperative to be more capable to recognize the truth in such aspects of life for far more than some might have realized despite all of my warnings as to what I knew to bring forward to assist as best as possible.
I will begin with posting my newer updated journals from my original account and work backwards as to the irony I noticed. There will be plenty to read in the ways of, whether or not you choose to venture into the areas of the website fetlife.
Posted on 23 December 2012 with notations on 29 November 2021
Day Five: 6 Things you wish you never had done...
Amazing things happened for me on Friday; 21 December 2012...while at the same time, some not so fun things happened...however...either way...that will be taken care of later. I have missed my work, and I feel horrible (as silly as that may sound, to some); so I must rectify things and complete my *"Assignments", as one was due yesterday, and one is due today. I am debating on how I am going to fix this...whether I am going to write one today and then the next tomorrow; and so on...or if I am going to hunker down and write both Exercises tonight.
...it all depends on how I feel...
So, back to work...and without further adue...
Day Five: Six things I wish I’d never done.
In whatever order...as it comes...
* 1.) Getting married...
I wish I had the strength back in the day, when I found out that I was pregnant with our son; to tell my ex-husband; "No. I am not going to marry you, because in my gut, I feel something is wrong..."
Obviously, that did not happen...even with the bricks upside the head - which TOLD ME not to marry Robert...
i.e. Getting lost on the way to the Justice of the Peace for our appointment...so lost, that I ended up on the OPPOSITE side of town...
i.e. The fact that I was settling for a Justice of the Peace wedding, instead of something planned out, as I had wanted...like...with my family present...:...though...to a degree, I am kinda glad that they did not "witness" that mistake that I made...
i.e. I was not proposed to...I was TOLD that I was going to get married to him, for he was "...not going to look bad in front of others..." and so on.
i.e. With the above...I will add the other brick upside the head that came at that exact moment as there was a weapon involved during that conversation.
No, I was not smart enough to run...and frankly, I regret that...but I did not know or have anywhere to go, as I was in Texas and my family was in Illinois...let alone...I thought that was "normal" - to a degree...as when I came out of my coma, initially, whatever Robert told me was gold...but I will get to that...
i.e. When I finally did make it to the building that I was supposed to meet my ex-husband in for the JoP marriage...he yelled at me for over 20 minutes, in front of the building...where the secretary from the office saw the whole thing...and apparently told the Judge, as when I was asked "Do you take Robert to be your law-fully wedded husband...to..." and I responded with, "I do."
Apparently, I should have paid attention to the brick upside the head for that time, when the JoP asked "Are you sure...?..."
Not once...not twice...but 3 (THREE) times...
...and obviously, my dumbass repeated the "I do." ...stupidly...each time...while wondering why a judge would ask such a question, but then forgetting about it soon after.
2.) I regret blindly believing Robert and every single word that came out of his filthy mouth...
SIDE NOTATION: 29 November 2021: The ways of which the dress blues became the situation as it had, is the biggest portion of what I regret not having been able to see being more of a problem in the comparisons thereof. I am grateful as to Grandpa Nichols helping me in many ways, and that is where much of my regret comes from as to having the sensation of in any ways as to letting him down as to what he taught me and helped me with as I wanted to ensure he would always be proud of me as to knowing he unofficially adopted me though as to the ways of such legalities.
To back-track on why...I will explain our meeting...
When Robert and I met, we were both in Medical Hold (what is now the gayest and most retarded-est and stupidest name in the whole world..."The Warrior Transition Unit"...), undergoing Medical Boards, individually. I was going through the Medical Board for my head injury and all of the medical issues that came after; while, he was going through a Medical Board for the flat feet he gained from jumping out of airplanes. As he was Medically Boarded as "unfit for duty", he went through his process, and due to the fact that it did not affect my ex from doing other jobs; he was granted a package.
As I was being Medically Boarded for my head injury, I was put on Temporary Retirement Duty Leave for 5 years, as the military tried to fix me fervently so they could get me into training...but to no avail...as nothing worked consistently. I still try new methods, as they come to me...but...still...nothing has helped much...
Back to Medical Hold...
After my coma...to have people honestly think that I would be able to perform as a trained soldier, was a ridiculous thought...especially when I was only in training from Zero Weeks to the 9 days that I made it through before I was thrown into the metal bunk, by the Drill Sergeant...and then knocked unconscious...and then losing the majority of the memory from all of childhood and up until that point in time...including forgetting short term stuff as well...oh...and the cognitive problems that prevented learning new things "in a timely manner"...
In short...in Medical Hold..."I was the shit bag soldier who didn't have anything squared away." Even with all knowledge of my injury, how it happened, the investigation and prosecution of the D.S. and his punishment...LONG before I ever found out...I was still "The F*** Up", who didn't pay attention to the UCMJ...never mind that I knew most of it prior to joining...and all of it had been erased...
So...with the knowledge of all of that combined; the few people who were in my Chain of Command...as much as I trusted them for everything; as I thought I was supposed to because they are the ones who run the show and know the happenings...so I thought they would understand and help...however...I was COMPLETELY WRONG.
To sum up the Article 15 I was given, my instructions were as follows:
Since I could "...not act like a soldier..." and "...until PVT ___ could prove herself to act like a soldier..."; I umm...learned to deal with the following, on a daily basis...
a.) After working in the Orderly Room from 8am-4::30pm; I was allowed 1 hour to myself, before I was sent to CQ to work on details from 6pm-9pm.
b.) Once my detail work was finished, I was allowed hourly increments, of free time for myself; though, every hour on the hour, until 2am; I had to check into CQ.
c.) Every Counseling Statement that I had been given for anything from not showing up to Formation (never mind the fact, that I was hospitalized at the time)...once I was released from the hospital, I was picked up by a Corporal who took me straight to the Commander's Office for another Counseling Statement; to being 5 minutes late for CQ check in, because I went to bed from the pain I was in, and I did not hear the alarm until after the due time - so even though I rushed to get there with all of the amount of pain that I was in - I received a Counseling Statement for something and that... Granted, there were Counseling Statements that I deserved, but I am sorry...I believe that if I am old enough to sign the line to be in the Army to serve my country; I should be ALLOWED to smoke cigarettes...
I am just sayin'...
d.) Not being allowed to leave post.
e.) If I left the barracks, I had to be escorted to each place...whether it was the D-Fac or the PX or the hospital for an appointment...
f.) (My favorite one - looking back - to laugh at...) I was given a Direct Order that I was not allowed to "be friends" or associate with any soldiers who were considered Permanent Party; as technically, since I did not finish Basic Training, so I was still considered a Student. HOWEVER, on the flip side...
I was also given a Direct Order, within the same breath, to not associate with or befriend Students, as because I was in Medical Hold, I was technically considered Permanent Party.
My obvious question, since I was also not allowed to leave post; so there was no chance of associating with civilians...
"Well, Sir, (Captain Morning - who had JUST been promoted a few weeks prior to him taking over Medical Hold and 2 other Companies...after being a General's Aide for over 3 years...hmmmm...did someone piss someone off??? ... )
Anyway, he took advantage of my lack of understanding of what Fraternization is...and...well...a few weeks later of talking; I was given another Direct Order from Captain Morning...
I was no longer allowed to call him "Captain Morning"...my Direct Order was that I was now to call him "John, at all times..."
Now most know, that I take things for face value and for literal meaning; as when I speak, I say what I mean and I mean what I say...and I will back it up...no questions asked...
Now...back then...I was MUCH MORE NIAVE, as now I know that some people are joking or it is a saying that I never heard/forgot from the coma...with that being said...karma is definitely a bitch... Those who are prior service will understand and enjoy the hell out of this...
Not but 2 days later, as I was given the Direct Order for calling Captain Morning, John from then on...well...the next time I saw him, I was walking through the hallway of the Orderly Rooms and on my way to Supply.
As per custom, one salutes an Officer, every single time one is seen...I saluted John...as well as every other Company Officer who was standing in the group of Officers who apparently, were following the Brigade Commander to his office for a meeting. As I saluted, I greeted everyone, as I was always smiling no matter what...unless I was in trouble...then I was NOT smiling...but any other time; I had a smile on my face. (another thing that pissed off my Chain of Command)
Anyways...as I finished saying, *"Good morning, Sirs. Good morning, Ma'ams. Hi, John!" and was walking away...all of a sudden I heard a male (the Brigade Commander...a full bird...); scream at the top of his lungs many obscenities, before demanding me to stand at Attention, before him.
Now...INSTANTLY, I was petrified, as I have never seen anyone that high ranking before...let alone at the fact that this super high ranking Officer, was now yelling at me, for something I had no clue about what I did wrong...and I RAN to him to stand front and center, as fast as my boots could move.
I was interrogated on the spot of "...whom was dared to be addressed by their first name...for they are all Officers..." and I was just a Private...
On a side note...just in case one does not know...it is NOT PLEASURABLE to be yelled at, by a Commander, of that high rank, within the Army...especially when I thought I was doing what I was supposed to... I am just saying...that WAS NOT FUN AT ALL...
Just sayin'...
Once the male finished his speech about the difference between the Officers and the Enlisted soldiers...let alone Privates...sigh...yeah...I felt really tiny...and I was hoping that a hole would just crack open within the earth right where I was so I did not have to experience anymore...sigh...but I was not so lucky...; he asked me who I was, where I came from, what Company I was in, and first and fore-most...he wanted to know who "John" was...
After pointing John out, after searching through the group, for he was then in the VERY back of everyone...I pointed to John and said, "That's John."
When asked why I called him that, I explained my Direct Orders from him. Once I said that, the Brigade Commander quickly shook his head - in a double take, before asking me what Company I was in of John's. As I told him Medical Hold, he proceeded to ask why...so...I told him...then he asked about the after effects...and I told him...and then he realized that I looked younger than his daughters...and that was when he was told I was 17 years old.
...silence for about 3-5 minutes...
...and the SCARIEST silence, at that, that I have EVER been through...
Once the Commander came back, he told me to go on my way; but not before explaining certain things to me...of course... I was shown his wings...as he pointed to the silver with his fingers (back when we had real BDUs) and said "Do you see this bird?" and I replied that I did before he stated how that bird was much higher ranking than 2 bars...which I knew and that was why I was fearing for my life...which I did tell the COL that, but in different wording...
The Commander told me not to worry and that he "...would be taking care of John..."; which he put his fingers in quotation moves...before saying that I was to listen to his Direct Orders as he had the wings and "John" (once again in finger quotations) "...was only 2 butter bars added together...equaling double the stupidity of the single butter bar...making
Captain ranks equal to an ass hole, as there is the link between..." and he went on...and oh dear...the age thing REALLY got to the Commander, as he let me know that CM was 33 years old...and I was 17 years old...and all of the OTHER stuff...
FUNNY AS HELL NOW!!!...scary as hell then...
I was dismissed, and for up to 3 years later; whenever I would think of Captain Morning...I wondered why so shortly after meeting the Brigade Commander; Captain Morning was shipped to Fort Knox, Kentucky...
Robert had explained as to what all ACTUALLY transpired before my eyes and what happened and why, once I told him about that.
...he also was NOT a happy camper finding that information out...
But back to the meeting of Robert...
So, I was outside, in the Gazebo, and I was smoking a cigarette; as when I turned 18 years old...I was no longer "allowed" to be prevented from smoking. I was with 2 other females at the time, and Robert appeared and asked if he could join us.
They knew who he was, so they said it was not a problem. We all talked for a while, before the two went off to somewhere else; leaving Robert and I alone.
After some time of talking and joking, he and I finally introduced ourselves to each other, as the other 2 had not. He told me who he was (and I had no clue as I had not heard or seen him before in Medical Hold); which upset him, as he apparently known around the Barracks, for some reason or another. Anyway, he heard my name and rank and all of a sudden; he jumped out of his seat and stood about 5-10 feet away from the table that we were at.
After asking what was wrong and if he was ok, as I knew he was in Medical Hold; so I had figured maybe a PTSD moment or something...but no...he was shocked to meet THE Private ___; as I had no clue that I had a reputation within the barracks. I was informed that all in Medical Hold were told to stay away from me, because I was trouble...and no one told him that I "...was who I was...being the way I am after talking..." with me.
Before he had found out who I was, I was explaining all of my problems with the Company that I was in. I went into some detail...maybe half of the above listed, before he introduced himself; so he could let me know his rank and how he "could help"...
I knew what was being done in the Company was wrong...but when the Company Commander gives orders as such...in front of other soldiers, as Counseling Statements must be witnessed...I didn't think of what I could do...and I thought in the end...even though my gut told me otherwise...that my Chain of Command would never lie to a fellow soldier...I still believed in honor and integrity within the military...
...brotherhood...companions for life...one there who will never let you down...etc...
At that time, he became the first and only soldier who told me that the Article 15 was illegal, as well as most of my Counseling Statements. He told me I should go to EO and IG and why...and at the end of his explanation...I looked at him with my head cocked to the side, in dis-belief. He went over and over about what all was wrong, and how I should approach the soldiers in charge of those areas; after alerting at least 1 person within my Chain of Command...and he stressed how no one could stop me from going to those areas.
I did not believe him, at first. Then he said the line that I will never forget... "What is in it for me?"
...I learned in the end...
But, I ended up going to IG, and I never made it to EO. The scary as hell Amazon female Master Sergeant, whom I spoke with, scared me even further than I had been before. Once I explained what was going on, she waited until I was finished speaking, as she took notes; and as soon as she finished her last note, she put the pad of paper down and left the room; leaving me, by myself...once again...now scared shit-less that I f***ed up...again...and there was going to be more trouble...and I was right...
As the female walked to her desk, I hear "...this better be good to interrupt my meeting with the Commander of BAMC..." as a 1 Star General...that then became the highest ranking soldier I had met...and who had now put me...the Private...into panic mode, for he was pissed, and he was letting us all know.
I saluted and was allowed to sit and I was immediately told to explain myself and why the Master Sergeant had disrupted his meeting; for it was important.
Slowly, I softly explained what was going on and I told the General what I told the Master Sergeant, which before I finished speaking what may have been a paragraph's worth...he stopped me and told the MS to give him a pad of paper...once again...scaring the hell out of me, for I had no clue what was happening... The minute he confirmed that I had finished telling them everything that I could think of...he wanted proof...
Out of my pockets in my BDUs, came almost every single Counseling Statement; as I never removed them from my uniform, unless I was changing sets. He instantly grabbed them, once the last pocket was cleared and he walked off. The MS and I sat in silence until he returned about 20 minutes later, only to hand me all of my documents back before saying, "...it will be dealt with...go back to your Company..." and he shooed me out the door of the Master Sergeant's office, scootched me out of the lobby, and left me standing next to my escort; in the hallway.
When he saw who was waiting for me, he asked who the person was and spoke with Sergeant Baber for a bit, off to the side, before coming back to where they left me; and said "Go." before he walked into his office area, and shut the door.
There was no conversation on the way back to the Orderly Rooms, and as soon as the door was opened to the hallway, I heard Top screaming about "Who allowed PVT ___ to go to IG?" as well as a bunch of other things, before asking where I was; as now there was a meeting that had to be attended, ASAP. After walking in quickly to make my presence known, Top pulled me to his office in the back, got in my face, and chewed me out before saying we had to go to the Brigade Commander's Office, because of my "...stupidity..."
I was told to Report for Duty, but if I was taught that in Basic; I did not remember what it was; so, when I walked into the Office; I was SCREAMED at, for just "...moseying in as if I was equal rank..." and so on before I was able to have the opportunity to explain why I had no clue what Reporting for Duty meant. The Brigade Commander went off on a tirade and then sent several soldiers to teach me quickly, and then make me re-do the Reporting. However, due to my injury's problems...it took about 45 minutes to an hour for me to understand the honestly, simple process.
When it came time, I re-did the Reporting...did it wrong...was sent to re-do it...did it wrong...repeat...for about 5-8 times before the Commander was so pissed off that he just said "Screw it, come stand in front of my desk at Attention."
Then, he went on about his call from IG, how he spoke with my Chain of Command, and then how he ordered my file to be put before him. He went on for awhile before he threw my file on the desk, and there were VERY few papers in there...none of the papers being Counseling Statements, as he had been told by IG. As he went on about how shitty of a soldier I was for making up crap; I interrupted him, and I started to explain how they made me carry all of my Counseling Statements on my person, in uniform.
When I said that, I looked over when I noticed every single person in my Chain of Command word with their mouths, "Oh shit..." before they lowered their heads to the ground.
As each Statement was pulled out of my pockets, I handed them to the Commander to look over, and as he did; he would randomly look at me and then the Chain and then me and so on. When the last BDU pocket was emptied, when all of the papers were stacked together - unfolded and read; the Commander sat in silence for a few as he read everything over, and then when it was all read...there was silence, as he looked at his desk that was covered with papers, that he tried to make a neat stack of...but there were just too many Counseling Statements to make 1 pile that stayed in place and neat...and then another...and still another...
After he went over everything, looked at everyone in the room, and then sat and processed what he had; repetitively, once again; the Brigade Commander, stood up and fixed his uniform. He proceeded to ask me to come forward to his desk, and then he extended his hand across the desk; honestly, scaring the shit out of me. I stood at position of Attention when I arrived at the desk and I looked at his hand, wondering what was happening. He then told me to relax and take his hand...so...slowly, I raised my hand to reach across the desk...and then he grabbed my hand, switched it around, and then shook my hand firmly.
Instantly, if someone shakes my hand, I shake back; and when I did, he commented about the type of handshake that I had...how it was firm, yet soft enough not to offend. What that meant then I didn't get, though I do now, after he explained somethings to me before he said, with my hand still in his; "I am COL ___, and you can call me at any time if you ever have any issues. In fact, I am giving you permission..." , then he looked at my Chain of Command before continuing with "...to come straight to my office if you ever have a problem, PVT ___. You are now given permission to not have to go to your Chain of Command to go to anyone above them; and come straight to me, if anything is going on that you do not understand, think is fair, or anything of the sort...even if you just want to talk about what is going on within Medical Hold..." and he continued for a bit.
In pure shock, I didn't ask for permission to speak freely, and he let me know what I had done, but said that it was ok for the situation; as I said, "What about protocol?" As he reemed me for not asking permission to speak freely at first, he then calmed down and finally asked about what military service training that I had; since my file was so limited. I told him why I was in Medical Hold, from everything from when I wanted to join - all the way to where I was at that point...and he looked straight at my Chain of Command, and just glared at them for the explanation.
When I finished explaining everything, he reassured me that nothing like what I had been through so far, would ever happen again, "...not under my Command...I do not allow such bull shit to go on...and if I knew sooner..." etc. He continued on about how I had his permission and it was now a Direct Order for me to go straight to his office, and he would tell his office personnel that if I ever show up, they are to interrupt whatever he is doing, and alert him that I am in his office, no matter what was going on. As soon as he finished his explanation of everything that I was allowed to do, without any needing of my own Chain of Command's permission, he then repealed my Article 15 and every single Counseling Statement that I had.
The best part of it all...(sarcastically)
As I was not fully processing everything that was occurring before me...as I had ALWAYS been in trouble when before any Officer's desk...it took me a while to comprehend what was happening. Then...I had my epiphany that alerted me, I was no longer in trouble for not knowing what I was doing. I knew that if I did something seriously illegal, yes, there would be consequences...but I now knew that I was right...everything going on within the Medical Hold Company that they did, as I have written, let alone what I have left out, or just flat out forgot...THEY were in the wrong...I was not as much of a screw up as they drilled into my head...and...it was THEM who were the "f*** up"s as they called me...and it was THEM who were "...the piss poor soldiers..." as they called me; and now were being called that to their face, by the COL.
The COL allowed me to figure out what was actually going on, what actually happened, and so on before he let me go out into the world...free...
...and of course, he let me know, in front of my Chain of Command, partially of how he was going to deal with the situation at hand...and then a bit of information about how he was going to deal with my Chain of Command...
Once the explanations sank in...and the second he finished on how he was partially going to "...personally handle them each, individually, and as a whole to hold them accountable for their piss poor choices and sorry excuse for actions, showing that it was them who were the sorry excuse for soldiers..." and so on...I finally had the courage to look over at my Chain of Command, as the whole time, up until that point; I thought it was I who was in trouble and it was I who was going to be fucked over again by the hockey stick sideways...but when I realized it was not I who was the fuck up and I was not in trouble and THEY were in trouble for all of what THEY did...
I looked at my Chain of Command, individually, and together; and I smiled at them; without the COL's awareness of my look on my face. LOL
I stared each one of them down, to the point where they lowered their heads to look straight at the floor - as I was only smiling at them...now...what smile was on my face...
Hee hee hee...
Obviously...they were not happy with it...at all... ...let alone the ass chewings that they were about to receive after I was told that I could leave the office and "...do whatever my heart desired, within the limits of the law..."
The COL had my hand still, and after this point, he started to walk around his desk to me, and at a point letting go of my hand. However, when he was standing in front of me, as I was shaking; he grabbed both of my hands together and held them close to his heart. He sincerely apologized for all of the torment that I had gone through and how he wished that he could take it all away from me, as he knew how it had affected me, to a degree - as he said - he would never know the full extent of damages that I suffer for he knows not how to process something of this nature...
He let go of one of my hands, and as he walked me to the door of his office, he glared at all of the soldiers there. When he opened the door, and my hand still in his; he said "You are free now. Go out and do something that will be fun for you and smile for you are now not going to have to deal with such atrocities, ever again, under his command. And if he were to have to change duty assignments before I was finished with my Medical Board; he would alert the next in command to be the same way with me and why..." He went on a little bit more, before he let my hand go, gently, and said that I was allowed to leave and I did not have anymore work for the rest of the week...(and it was Monday...), as he continued to say that I "...could go off and play..."
I thanked him for his time and I apologized for any problems that I caused, when he interrupted me and let me know that I caused no problems...it was "them" who created everything that he now had to untangle and undo, and I had nothing to worry about, for I did not upset him in the slightest, once he understood what the situation actually was. He went on some more before he took me to the Lobby Office door, introduced me to all of his staff there, and let them know that if I ever showed up, they were "...to get a hold of thee cell phone or the office line for connection ASAP ...PERIOD..."
It was amusing, looking back, to see the faces of wonder and lack of understanding, how I, a Private, was now being given the ability to contact him at any point in time, without any problems...especially, after they had all watched my bad issues when I was just trying to learn how to Report for Duty...and they all snickered every time I messed up and was sent to re-do the entrance...so their faces after seeing all that, then the however long meeting where they saw nothing and did not hear a peep out of the office after I entered and they saw how much of a f*** up I was...the lack of comprehension within their heads and the looks on all of their faces were PRICELESS. Though...I will admit...the faces of my Chain of Command made my day a hell of a lot better...and those faces and looks...I cannot forget...
And I revel in it...
He allowed me to leave after, and I was on my way back to my barracks to get out of my uniform, into civilian clothing.
Somewhere along the way, I met Robert as he was walking through to go to his room to change out of his uniform from his work time, and he stopped me; as I did not recognize him. As soon as I realized who he was, I jumped on him to give him the biggest hug that I possibly could; knowing that it is illegal according to the UCMJ to show affection to someone within uniform...there are exceptions to that rule...but...few...
Anyway, I quickly told him the brief of what happened, and once I told him that the COL said that I was free; he stopped me from talking. He said he was happy everything worked out, and how he told me that he knew what he was talking about. As he went on about his knowledge, and then experience in the Army...I became enamored with Robert right then and there...I realized that he was my hero...he saved me from the torture...and most importantly...
Robert was the only one within the entire time that I had been in Medical Hold, who was honest and had a pure heart to help.
He asked me if I wanted him to take me out so I could get off post, since he knew that I was not allowed to have a car, in the Army, and I quickly accepted. He told me to go get changed, let him know when I was ready, and he would drive his car out of the building on the other side of the parking lot to the building to meet me.
However, just like how I was not supposed to let anyone know who told me the information that aided me; I was not to tell anyone that he was going to take me out somewhere. I agreed, we exchanged phone numbers, and I went off to go shower, change, and call when I was ready.
That night was an amazing time. I was shown so much about San Antonio...the city the base was in...that I was never able to see before...and now I was experiencing it...
Once word spread that I had permission to walk straight into the Brigade Commander's Office, at any point; people stayed away from me more than before from Medical Hold. However, my friends that were Permanent Party, when they found out; they asked all of the gory details, because they never knew what I was going through fully. When I told them it was some random person that I met one night who told me what was wrong, illegal, and how to fix the problems; they told me that person was my guardian angel...and it stuck...because...at that time...Robert saved me...
...and he did...
I give him credit where credit is due...however...almost everything after that point, that came from his lips...in the end...after we separated for the final time (there were only 2 separations), I realized that he was only full of shit and he was using his knowledge to aid his goals...and not truly love me to take care of me, as he said he would...
I regret never researching things that he told me after that point...
I regret believing my ex-husband blindly...
I regret thinking that he would never lie to me...
I regret assuming that he always had my best interests at heart...
I regret accepting his explanation that physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and sexual abuse was a "...normal thing that happened in all marriages..." because I did not have any memories of what other marriages I had seen were like and how they were extremely different than what I was going through...
I regret not thinking outside of the box, when married, and looking up to understand things that he may not (well...did not...) tell me about things...
I regret allowing Robert to make almost all of my decisions for me, even when I did not think it was right in my gut...
I regret not standing up for myself or for my children sooner than I did with him...
I regret not leaving sooner than I did...
I regret not stopping the bull shit because I was too weak to...and I didn't think anyone would understand...
I regret allowing Robert to "mold me" for the time he did, into what he wanted, when he wanted it...even if it was a yo-yo affect...
I regret that I listened to him and believing every word that came out of his mouth as golden truth...
I regret not calling the Police every single time that I should have...
...and then it goes back to the reasoning for what I regret for totality of #1...I regret marrying Robert...
SIDE NOTE: 29 November 2021: In such references as a review as to my own failures as to bringing such to the attention in reference of the timeframe as to the years in length of such factors as to the timeframe of waking up from my coma, as I cannot see how more clearly I could have done so to make the attempts to bring such forward as to the knowledge and understanding thereof. I learned a lot, I do not doubt that nor do I deny such factors which I am thankful. However the ways of which I had learned such, there is the regret aspect as to regretting not having been intelligent enough to figure a way sooner.
* 2.) I regret (sometimes) that I did not listen to my parents when I was originally getting all of the paperwork ready for me to join the Army at 17 years old; right after graduating high school...
Ever since my family raised my in New Jersey, and as soon as I saw my first soldier at Fort Monmouth, on a field trip, in New Jersey...I was AMAZED by the Marines and the Army branches.
To me...THOSE were the REAL soldiers... (aside from PJs, NAVY SEALS, and a few other sects within the Navy and Air Force)...the Marines and the Army were the females and the males that I INSTANTLY looked up to, as a child. There were times, I would beg to visit Fort Monmouth, or any other place that had military equipment, personnel, or the like; as they were the most beautiful people to me.
Then, the church that I had attended with my family; it was used as a hospital during the Revolutionary War..and because it technically IS history...the small building behind the church that has been there but not allowed to be opened or touched***...is George Washington's personal office...***
...sigh...YES...I know it is a part of history...but...REALLY? Of all things to be proud of; they were most proud of George Washington's potty as to those who can see such a reference as to the ways of the modernization comparatively to the times, whenever the people would give the tours of the church to the new people...sigh...
Never-mind the fact that the church was a hospital during the Revolutionary War...George Washington's shitter was what most people who did the walk throughs, as the "highlight" of the tour...sigh...I still will not understand that one...
However, what the church did have erected out of this BEAUTIFUL marble stone concrete mix...was a GORGEOUS dedication to all soldiers...
I remember the columns that were taller than me (of course), but they seemed so much larger than what I could understand at the time. The columns were connected at the top, by these cross beams, of the same material stone; and then there was the base...
One has to walk up several "stairs" to see the beautiful inscription that was dedicated to all soldiers...past...present...and future...
I remember just laying on top of that saying and letting the sun warm the stone and I; as I could have sworn that I felt myself blending in with those whom I admired with so much respect and I could feel them around me when I was there...I always wanted to stay longer whenever on that monument...but I obviously could not just stay there...or live there like I had wanted...
I think that it is only befitting for me, since that is one of the earliest memories that I have been able to keep...and I want to remain in peace...where I always felt peaceful. Originally, I thought about somewhere in the ocean because of my love for diving...but the way I look at it...if my ashes are there; I am 1) near the ones who I admired so much and I felt the love that I did whenever I was on and near and even approaching that monument. 2.) I will be in New Jersey...it is NOT THAT FAR TO THE BEACH... and 3.) I have just flat out decided, that is where I want my physical remains to rest for all of eternity.
It just feels right for me...
...sigh...
...
Back to the whole not listening to my parents and regretting that aspect...I regret not listening to them mostly about the Army decision...
I was going to enter the Armed Services, no matter what. I was determined to sign those papers, and if it meant that I had to wait the more than half of a year to give myself that birthday present...I was going to get into the military...at some point...
It was all a matter of when...and I regret fighting my parents as much as I did, back when I graduated high school to join...
I regret all of the fights and arguments...
I regret all of the shit I put them through...that I can and cannot remember...
I regret fighting to get my way because I was so stubborn and I thought I was Ms. Billy Bad Ass; being from New Jersey; having the hard ass father that I did who raised me to be tough as nails; being friends with only males and learning the mentality needed for the world; the physical shape I was in from all the sports I was involved in: from a.) Gymnastics; to b.) some "cheer-leading" (though in Illinois...they really weren't that hard of a team to get onto...the smallest size uniform they had when I was put on the team was a size 7 and I weighed less than 100 pounds soaking wet...so...there was issues to keep the skirt up on my hips and in place...and the only way to do so without sewing the uniform, was to roll the skirt and pin it in place...sigh...once the school realized that my skirt was too short (which is basically after all of the heifers' parents complained about how I looked compared to their children)...my mom was finally allowed to sew the skirt so it would fit my waist and not have to be rolled up...which, by the way...I despised...the uniform I think was the worst part about being a cheerleader...other than the females...yeah...never mind...dealing with those bitches was worse than the uniform having to be rolled up...but still...rolling the skirt to the point where the bottom of the skirt BARELY covered my ass cheeks...that was SO NOT COOL!!!...just sayin'...); to c.) Track and Field where I was literally placed in random races for each school
- depending on the strengths of the other team - so I could work harder and out do them there - as there were very few Track and Field areas that I was not training in because of my ability - I was mainly the only person for High Jump as no one wanted to do it - but when the coaches saw my flexibility and the fact that I jumped a lot when I was excited and when I jumped - I would get really high in the air depending how excited I was and that became my only definite area that I would be in when we competed - everything else was dependent upon who needed to be beaten in what area - 100M, 110 Hurdles, 400, 400 Hurdles, Mile Race, Mile Marathon, Long Jump...it did not matter... At one point, the coaches were going to teach me vaulting, but then my parents told me we were moving and that went kaput...but I was in awesome physical shape and I thought that was another trait that would aid me in the military...it did...and it didn't...it worked against me in Training because that was how the Drill Sergeant who gave me the coma had first noticed me; to d.) all of the other sports that I played outside of school grounds...and so on...; and much more that stupidly made me think I was invincible and un-defeat-able...
In the Army; Zero Week(s) time was a cake-walk...Basic Training was not physically wearing, but more so mentally tiring - but I dealt...everything else about Basic was just what it was...but Medical Hold...
I NEVER saw that coming...and THAT whole time in Medical Hold and all of what I experienced there...that is the main reason why I regret not listening to my parents sometimes...
Of course there are other times of regret, but lessons were learned MUCH easier, than in the Army situation...
3.) I regret the first separation that I went through with my ex-husband...
At the middle through the end of 2003; I started to see that how Robert was treating me as his legal only "wife" and the mother of his children...
Briefly, to understand: from the time I married Robert through to about 2003's beginning; Robert would rarely allow me to have a friend to talk to within the city limits of San Antonio. It was not just that, it was also the pain that I was dealing with that did not allow me out very much...but I had never thought to look for a social circle, until the day that Robert said: "I am so annoyed with you trying to talk with me and get my attention when I have more important things to do than to deal with you and your piddly problems. Why don't you go try ___ to find some friends, so you can bother and burden them, instead of me..." ...and he went on...
So, in 2003, I tried a Stay at Home Mom's group...which was ok...but I just never fit in...I never knew how to associate with females before my head injury...let alone after it... Some of the females accepted me into the group, while others turned their noses because their husbands actually had his PhD, versus me where Robert was working on it...let alone the whole Army things...they were ok with the fact that Robert was in the service...but me? Oh, no...I was supposed to be a lady and have the males do all of the physical work and me not lift a finger...(yeah...anyone who knows me...KNOWS that is SO not how I operate...if something needs to be done; it doesn't matter if it is physical. If I can help in anyway; I will...and do...even if it goes against my profile...but I digress...) I will be, usually, the first female to offer a hand.
When the SAHM Group had meetings where all of the entire families were gathered...that did not aid my acceptance, for instead of talking with the females, I was gabbering with the males about cars or gardening or house repair/construction or etc. And it pissed a lot of the females off that I could speak with their husband's about and with things that they could not/would not go on with their males about; for they had no interest...but that did not matter to them. The final straw with them allowing me in the group, was when they found out that I did my own yard work. The fact that I WILLINGLY mowed the lawn, trimmed the hedges, and pulled weeds; while at the same time, planning what plants would be a nice addition...that was just too much for those females to handle, and I was asked to leave because I "...did not fit their standards of what a Stay at Home Mom is..." and they explained further why I "just didn't fit, so there should not be any waste of time on anyone's part trying to get to know (me) any further..." and so on and so forth.
Robert was infuriated at the way the females treated me, however, at the same time; he yelled at me constantly for either spending too much time with those people and not enough time trying to converse with him...sigh...double edged sword...
For a while, I went back to being a hermit...before I was screamed at for the reason why I was sent to the SAHM Group...so he told me to go find people who were interested in what I was into...
This is the exact moment where he gave up his control...or...well...I should say lost his control...
I was dedicated to studying everything that I could about spirituality at the time. It drove Robert crazy since he was an Athiest, but also because "...why would you read so many books about something that you are not able to get a worthwhile degree in?..." and the like; for I was Half Price Books BEST customer, for a LONG time...as well a Borders (when it was still around)...and Barnes and Nobles...those places were my haven...and the kids always had fun going with me, so it was a win-win...
That was when I found the Pagan Community within San Antonio and I met a male, whom I consider to be my extended Father...for the guidance and aid that he has given me...I can never thank him enough for...he guided me as much as he could on my spiritual journey, during the times we had together...and he still does... Joe Rose is one of the most AMAZING males I have EVER met...and he has done more for me than I could ever put into words...
What I claim as my spirituality and such, would not be what it is or has been; had it not been for him...from my view of the Divine Diamond to Reiki to spirituality in general...he has helped me so much...and I am so grateful to have ever crossed paths with this male...this human...this spiritual being...this guide...teacher...Mentor...loving individual...
He is the ONLY person that I look up to in the manner that I do. He has all of my respect and gratitude that I have within me.
He is also the ONLY TRUE FRIEND that I have ever had, post head injury that has known me from the time of Robert and
I still contact on my own, regularly as possible.
He is the ONLY person who knew I would move before anyone else even knew that I was in the location; as he was the ONLY person whom I cared to constantly know my status and to constantly know his.
My heart is so much larger because of him...and I cannot ever say "Thank you, Joe", enough.
Through Pagan Night Out, and the people I met, I started to be introduced to different styles of marriages...and I became very confused...I did not understand how much love could be in one persons eyes for another and it was returned 10 fold and visa versa...I could not comprehend how males would do what was needed to make their females comfortable and how the females would do the same for the males - and everything was given a "Thank you..." for - or a kiss - or a hug... I did not get how most males would let their female companions have conversations with other males without them standing right there or how the females could sit in other people's lap and not yell at them for that... I was not able to wrap my head around so much that I saw there.
As I continued to get further and further involved with the Pagan Community; Robert started to get his hackles up, again, for "not giving him the attention" and doing what I was...the yo-yo affect again...if it was not the amount of time that I dedicated to gardening or reading and practicing my spirituality or obviously, people that I conversed with, that he saw was "acceptable"...I was yo-yoed over and over again...
However, when I entered and engulfed myself in the Pagan Community...I stopped the yo-yoing...I had been exposed to true love...I had discovered freedom of expression in a relationship - without the yelling, screaming, drama, or crap being beat out of the other... I had been shown what a "real relationship in marriage" was in ways that made me rethink what I had been involved with from the point of moving in with Robert. (only 1-3 months after I moved in with him, I became pregnant and the whole "marriage proposal" happened)
Once Robert had decided that "enough was enough" and I "must return to where belonged because those people were heinous and heathens and nothing but trash..." The points I made of those who were military, PhD degreed people, or professionals just did not matter to him; as he considered all who believed in nature having spirit, were all retarded and stupid; and why couldn't I pick a "normal" religion...
Without a pause, the second he finished the question of me picking a "normal religion" I spouted out; "What is normal? Is normal what society wants people to believe or is normal what one believes is within themselves?"
He glared at me for quite some time after I said that to him...before backhanding me...and then the argument ensued...because that was the last time that I was going to not fight back...but only for about 10-20 minutes before I thought "Fuck it. Enough is enough." and I stood up for myself.
I stopped the argument that he was going off on with one simple statement..."I want a divorce."
The second those words started to leave my lips and as they met his ears and was processed in his brain...Robert just stood there, with his mouth wide open... So I took the opportunity to give him every single reason that I possibly could think of as to why I wanted to not be associated with him anymore and how nothing that he could say, would change my mind.
Days of fighting took place before I finally said that it was time for him to leave...but he had other intentions in mind.
He explained how because it was I who wanted the divorce, I was going to be the one who left the house. And since we had both agreed when we first had gotten married that the kids should be raised in a house, in a good neighborhood...the kids were going to stay there with him...
I was not about to let that happen, as those were MY children...I raised them...I nurtured them...I had them within me for months...I was the one who took care of them daily...
Unfortunately...I had an offer made to me that I could not refuse...or well...fight...or...reason with...
After I went off on my tirade about how I was the one solely responsible for their upbringing and such, with not even minimal help from him within the entirety of our marriage; Robert had informed me of what was going to happen.
He said: "...Ok, so you want the house and the kids? You know I am doing this because you want to leave me, right?" and I nodded as he went on with "...I am going to tell you how it is. I am getting; no I am keeping the house and the kids; and you will still be involved with them and their care, as we will discuss that in a minute. But right now, you have 2 choices: either you leave to go get a place of your own and still be involved with the kids' lives and raising, or you fight me for them."
I immediately said I would fight and do anything for my children, and the second the word "children" left my lips; Robert slammed me into the wall behind me, that had the key rack hanging right where the base of my head was, to start with. He put his fists up and looked at me before asking what my choice was going to be. I knew he was a former Ranger, at the time. I knew that he was at least 50 pounds heavier than I, and the majority of that was muscle mass. I knew that...basically...if I took a swing, and was even lucky enough to strike him...that would be the end of my life... As I was rubbing my lower head and neck from the pain, all of that came straight to me...and I knew that I would never be able to see my children again...so I let him win...because...there was no way I would have survived his strength...I had patched MANY holes in the walls of the house, and every apartment/condo that we had lived in from his fists...sigh...
...so...he won...
...sigh...
I still regret not at least TRYING...that is what #3 is mainly about...and I feel like less of a real mom for that...for being such a pansy, to not grab myself by the boot straps and say: "Bring it on..."
Stupidly, I thought that Robert would never do anything to harm the kids...and unfortunately...after Robert died...the kids let me know what all went on in the house whenever I was not there.
...sigh...
SIDE NOTE 29 November 2021: In reference to one aspect of which I am thankful for as to one particular individual despite certain situations as to the times as to April 2019, as in such references which after having wrongfully been denied for as long as I had/have as to the lack of communication as well in comparisons to how such claims in other references as to what I had been told otherwise; the ways which SCUBA Diving as to such factors, as truthfully how could I ever have believed in such aspects as to the situations? What was worth anything I had done as to the factors thereof in truth, as how could I personally view such aspects as to anything to actually be proud of in the slightest? In the year of 2019 the ways of such factors as to that picture in reference to my biological sister and her husband as to the millers and the lack of human decency as to that references I have already gone over time and again as to the lack of any common sense as to those types of people and the ways which their failures as to ever thinking in ways which would or could ever actually have the correct viewpoint of what is actually considered as compassion, compared to what the situations had actually been as to such factors thereof.
The ironies as to how my biological sister was only a stand in Baby Jesus Christ for only a total of the two years though in such short amounts of time in the comparisons as to myself being the original Baby Jesus Christ as to the totality of in full, yet the ways which such rionies as to that male I once knew who visited me in April of 2019 as to the factors of that abomination of a picture as to those people standing with my daughter as to such factors as to what I caught at my biological mother and my biological father's house as to the lies they were telling the Red Hat Society as to the individual as to such pictures arranged compared to who actually carried and gave birth to my son and my daughter. How such aspects as to my full regret ever believing those people ever actually being decent human beings as to the factors thereof, as there was nothing of worth or value as to such references as to what those people continued from my childhood and teenager years as to thew situations thereof. Unlike in reference as to staged pictures my SCUBA Diving as well as my aspects as to my works as to my books and my artwork as to the realities of such factors as to the historical and spiritual rubbing aspects as to the situations thereof to the completed pieces from my Medal of Honor Art Project Artwork, what I cannot even begin to put into words as to him having shown up in April of 2019 as to the date of April 2010 as to such factors on the back of that picture. How did I ever actually mean to anyone in truth, when reviewing such aspects?
Not ever from my experiences as to what I have been shown as to how I personally view the situations thereof, as there would not ever have been the mistreatments as to how such situations have been in all such comparisons as to if there was genuine humanity as to such aspects by those types of people. Where did those people actually ever assist in the ways which would actually have been helpful and assistive to me and what I would see as to such, in genuine truth?
If there ever actually gets to such a point, I can be gracious enough to bring such forward if there are the actual positive aspects of which I personally can review as being helpful in the comparisons thereof to the assumptions. Reviewing such now on 29 November 2021 to see how such aspects in my life have been, I cano only see the ways of what occurences thereof have been in comparisons as to ever the longer terms as to actual comfort in the such references. That is not something I have actually ever known in a consistent way as to what I personally view as comfort, in the slightest.
4.) I regret believing Robert, when he told me after 6-9 months of us being separated, and slowly developing a "friendship" that he had actually changed for the better and loved and accepted me for who I was...
I believed that he was sincere in being true to me at all times from then on...and I regret that I took him back before finally leaving him for good because I caught him in his lies, because I then knew to look at clues; let alone the fact that he said he was called by a Sergeant at work one day that said he was called back to IRR duty status...only to then switch on me and say that he was going to be stationed in one place, so we had to start packing to; no, we don't have to pack yet, but I have a choice of where I can go if I do...; to then say we were going to live in Italy...then it was Russia...then it was New York...then it was Korea...then Hawaii...and finally, Alaska because he knew I wanted to see the Aurora Borealis - not taking into consideration the fact that we would actually be LIVING in Alaska - and that is when I said I was not about to become part of the food chain to move...and I stopped the bull shit train in the tracks, right then.
He was told that if he made 1 more decision without at least asking my opinion on what my thoughts and feelings were before he decided whatever...that would be the end of everything between our marriage and he would be speaking with me on how we would handle the divorce.
...not but MAYBE 3-5 days later...he decided that he "...quit the Army..."...as if that is an actual choice...but whatever r****d-ness of that is aside...that was it; and I was completely done...
I let him finish his rant about how he was pissed off about some soldier who was with him in Reserve Training that held a branch for everyone so it did not hit them, except him, and the fight that ensued. There was some other garbage, but after hearing the finishing parts of the soldier and tree incident, I had blanked his words out, and all I was thinking was "When are you going to shut the fuck up, so I can tell you that our marriage is now completely over, there is nothing that can be said to change my mind, and now we need to talk about dispersing possessions."
After some 30-45 minutes...maybe even an hour...I said exactly that which I wrote above, as I interrupted him mid-sentence about some other crap of the reasoning behind him "quitting the Army"; and of course, at the very end of my tirade; I reminded him: "...no one quits the Army...the Army fires you...and if they fire you; it is because you are a fuck up who could not adapt...that is common knowledge and I am calling Bull Shit on you now..."
We argued relentlessly, but finally, he gave up and got the fact that it was over between he and I. Once it sunk in that I was not going to allow anymore shit***...EVER...***; he slowly started to become more quiet and then mopey...like he always did, the FEW times I was ever correct about something and he realized he was in the wrong...
He moved out, as he realized that the amount of responsibility in owning a house at the same time of taking care of children; that was not in harmony with his desire to go out with his buddies and drink, as during the 1st separation. When I moved out, our agreement was that he was solely responsible for the house, and my "time with the kids" was set from 7am to 7pm; as that was what his work and school schedule was. When he got what he wanted, as I knew I could not physically fight him - as he knew that as well - and I found my apartment near the kids' day care...he QUICKLY realized that all the work that has to be done is tiring and tedious...
Of course, during the 1st separation, he tried to weasel me into cleaning the house for him or mowing the lawn for him (because he knew that I missed that terribly) or doing other chores that needed fixing or repair or what have you, around the house and property. Sorry...I was not about to fix the fence for him...or weed-eat (I despise that chore anyways...)...or trim the hedges...or clean out the gutters...or so on and so forth...he THEN realized that it was a pain in the a$$ to be a house owner.
Never mind the fact that because our hours were set up the way they were, and the fact that his hours with the kids were from 7pm to 7am...he no longer could go out to do as he pleased anymore...so when the final separation came; he had not a problem in the world when I said I wanted the house and kids, and this time I was willing to fight, if I had to.
He let me know that was not necessary, and within about a week to a week and a half; he had his own apartment...right across the street from his favorite bar, so he could walk home, instead of worrying about driving...
5.) I regret not finalizing the divorce before Robert died...
6.) I regret not allowing myself to live my life the way I have wanted to, the way I know is correct for me, the way that I deserve to live...and the like...; for as long as I have...
And now...it has come for the change to where I am happy in every single thing that I choose to do and be a part of...
www. fetlife .com/users/484330/posts/1329131
What an irony as to the numerical aspect as to the end number for the posting as to 131, as I would not be surprised if in reference as to the aspects of my Medal of Honor Art Project Artwork situations as to the trips for the times as to my Medal of Honor Art Project trips. How dare I show my personal support as to my appreciation and gratitude as to such factors of the Medal of Honor recipients as to taking on the responsibility of such aspects as to my own penance for not being intelligent enough to know the aspects as to the dress blues, and how dare I go to handle such on my own as to such factors of my own creations of my own artwork apparently as to such aspects as to the ways which in comparisons thereof as to the respect I personally have had as to such references and regards thereof.
What would have actually been helpful as to actually having the sensation of me being, a wanted in a positive way artist?
Definitely a much different aspect thereof as to how such situations had not been as to such factors as to the facts as to the same situations I dealt with when growing up to teenager years to after waking up from my Psalm Sunday 2000 head injury coma, as it apparently took such amounts of reminders as to what I personally dealt with as to such points in time as well as the amounts of others as to the combined factors thereof as to the ways which my biological mother and my biological father as well as my biological sister had been the entire time as to the reminder I needed as to what I had forgotten as to the wishful thinking as to such situations. I suppose at minimum there is the actual process seen as to my eye opening aspects as to the realities of my life, in such references thereof though similarly as to such points in time before as to so what as where does that actually assist in the realistic portions thereof? Does that actually benefit anyone in the actualities of what situations were brought forward as to such clarifications as to once it is known it cannot be unknown, and what as to such a point then? What realistically is there for me to actually see positively as to the realities of the combined factors of what I personally have dealt with all of my life, as what was ever going to be enough in truth?
What is it to be seen when more have preferred those portions, in comparison to the truth I can only speak and write as to the aspects in reference to the genres?
SIDE NOTE on 29 November 2021: If that could actually ever be for me as to actually being genuinely happy with my life and how such aspects turned out as what have I done which could ever be considered as to being of importance realistically, as in such references as to what I have seen as to the ways which to continue as to such support in reference of others' accomplishments however what is it that I have ever done that would actually be considered as good enough to actually recognize in truth as to the aspects thereof?
While I know what would actually keep me happy, that small aspect of such positive consistency as to what I personally created for my son and my daughter and I as to such factors has been stolen from me wrongly and the fixing and repairing as to the rectifications have needed to be corrected and genuinely with the proper aspects as to the actions taken care of correctly.
What is there to ever enjoy or celebrate from this point forward for myself as to any work I personally accomplished, as there is not anything which I can personally see as to any such worth at this point in the realistic portions of life as what is there to actually know of as to such factors? I had felt as an unwanted artist before in the year of 2016, and how such situations have been as to such times since then as to how I would personally see such in the comparisons thereof as to those particulars as to the ways which such situations had been as to such points in time.
It is not depression, it is call realism and being realistic for clarifications as to the realities of which as to such factors as to the ways such situations have been as to the genuinity to be capable to see the situations for what actually has been as to such factors and realities thereof to which to be capable to recognize the factors thereof to truthfully be capable to see such situations in full. Thus it is not depression as to such assumptions, it is the realistic view as to the realistic aspects as to the reality of how life has been as to such factors for me.
What would anyone else if they could ever envision themselves in my position ever see otherwise, as to such factors?
Could anyone else truthfully put themselves into my shoes and review all such details and truthfully see something different, or would there be the exact same viewpoint as to the realistic aspects of such truths?
Thus it is not depression as other medical professionals have acknowledged over the years since 2012, as being a realist is not the same as depression as being a realist means a healthy review and look as to life situations to be capable to move forward in the ways as to acknowledging the truth of such situations to work towards finding a better path and the best ways possible in the comparisons thereof to those who wish to mask such situations in the comparisons thereof as to the wishful portions of covering up when that is not accepted nor acceptable as to specific factors thereof.
Though what irony as to would it be in reference as to what those who have preferred my now dead-ex-husband as to such references, as to not ever actually having followed his preferences as to how I would actually be treated in such regards as to the realistic portions of as I have explained as to the worse portions of the fact of individuals being alive and doing so in the comparisons to the fact he had not ever done so when he had the chances.
When the preferences of certain individuals have been the stolen valor in comparison to the earned valor and then wonder why situations have been in such regards as to the times thereof, the most realistically simple ways of such fixing and repairing in the comparisons as to such factors as to how such has gone in the references thereof have been such a confusion as to how such could actually have gotten to such a level in the realistic portions thereof when I look over such factors. However such is as it has been and hopefully actually gets better for me as to the clarifications thereof, which the favor is in my direction as to be being favored in the correct and positive aspects for the highest good.
Since in perfect love and perfect trust is to how I have been as to such factors, I cannot begin to express as to the finite details as to such factors at this point in time.
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