In reference of combining all of my journals I wrote through my original #fetlife account which I will post the link at the bottom for the clarifications thereof, I am going to have the transparency brought forward as to what can be seen from the original posting dates as to the current timeframe of this day 28 November 2021 for those to see as to my original #Facebook accounts of Susan MeeLing as well as Lady Dori Belle for the additional ability to see the connection links as to what I had discussed for many years and decades in person as well as online as to such factors as best as I could as to the circumstances. Possibly such details will assist to make sense, in the comparisons thereof as to the amounts of details though in addition I do not pretend or hide myself from my truth which others should realize it is important to be honest and truthful in many more ways than just in one or two moments as it is imperative to be more capable to recognize the truth in such aspects of life for far more than some might have realized despite all of my warnings as to what I knew to bring forward to assist as best as possible.
I will begin with posting my newer updated journals from my original account and work backwards as to the irony I noticed. There will be plenty to read in the ways of, whether or not you choose to venture into the areas of the website fetlife.
Posted on 12 February 2013
I...
I am working on many things, within myself; within my life (i.e.: my kids/ my friends/my family/my all of those who I am close to and keep within MY “CIRCLE”); within my…EVERYTHING WITHIN ME AND AROUND ME AND MY KIDS; at all times...well…as much as possible…
As time has gone on, since I first realized that I have needed to work on making and keeping myself happy...I realized exactly that...
...I have to work on making and keeping myself happy...
"How does one even begin to start to accomplish that?" I thought, the first time that me needing to take over my own happiness and well-being, had come to my thoughts. "Why do I deserve happiness beyond what I have?” “I should be great-ful for all that I have..." “I am not worthy of anything more than I have.” “What have I done to deserve any form of happiness?” “What makes me worthy of having genuine joy in my heart and soul, within every single thing that I do/am a part of?” …and so on and so forth.
However, the truth was...and is...
• I am/have not been able to be truly happy.
• I am/have not been fully healthy…though honestly…I never will be, however, that is a whole other ball of wax.
• I am/have not the prosperity in the ways I (continue to) wish(ed) for.
• I am/have not loved and cared for as I have always wanted, desired, and needed from my fears; nor have I ever had the genuine love and car for me, in return.
• I am/have not been true to myself in order to keep myself happy...or maybe even finding the “happiness”, in some ways...
• I am/have not, well; anything that has been anything positive...for a very long time...
Do not get me wrong; I help at any chance that I am able to. I jump to action when the time calls for it. I am ready and able for many things to come my way...and things that pass by and still leave a tracer that affect me as it “hits” someone else…
I love those whom I cherish and are close to me ever-so dearly, that at times, I admit that I can be over-protective of those whom I care about…and go overboard…WAY over-board…but in the spirit of protecting my cherished ones…
I will and have done anything and everything that I possibly can do and/or think of being able to accomplish in order to facilitate someone else’s growth, betterment, assistance, and so on.
However…I need to also push myself to do that…I need to push myself to be able to grow myself…I need to better myself…I need to assist myself in what I need/want/desire…
Though I continue to do whatever I can for those who mean the world to me; and at times, I am injured in the process…sometimes…severely…I still give my entire heart and soul to those in need that I am able to help, where I can…
***I NEED to learn when to stop the bleeding and cut off the wound’s circulation so that no more damage is done, and there is much less – if at all – anymore blood loss…
However, I learn from what I can, and I keep moving forward…as best as possible…
~ I am not perfect.
~ I will never be perfect…no matter how hard I try…no matter how much I just do not give up for the trying to achieve perfection…sigh…though…still…stupidly…I still try…sigh…
~ …even when a horse has been beaten to death…I still try to make things better…and as usual…I FAIL~ MISERABLY ~ …
~ One thing I know is…as much as I try…no matter how hard I work at it…I am just not ever fully happy within myself…or with any single part of myself, for that matter…
~ I know that I have issues that I still need to work through…and I try my best to continue to work on them as I can…though it is not always good enough…I am still trying…
Between the issues from my abusive (and that is putting it mildly ) ex-husband; between the problems that have arisen with my children and their health, welfare, safety, and ability to live within this world and society in a manner that is acceptable within society and not having to be hospitalized; between the garbage and drama from finding out who is ”truly there for ME as a friend” versus those who are just using me for whatever they deem that I have to be available to them at whatever convenience for them…between…sigh…just so much BULL SHIT…
I do not want to deal with crap anymore…
• I have a lot to work through…
• I have a lot to get over…
• I have a lot to deal with…within myself…within my being…within my mind…within my emotions…within my soul…within everything of who and what ”I am” and ”what makes me, ME”
However, I know one thing that I will never fully get over or ever fully be able to work through.
Getting over the desire of being loved...getting over the desire of being wanted and needed and desired for ME and WHO I TRULY AM INSIDE of my physical being; versus only being seen as a piece of ass to try to achieve to be able to fuck or be played by.
@ I am not into being a piece of meat for anyone.
@ I am not looking for the ability for someone to just have me on the side for whenever they ”feel” like dealing and/or being with or near me; or to even have a conversation.
@ I am not looking to be second place to anyone (other than one’s children – that is ALWAYS the exception).
@ I am not looking for anyone to play with my emotions.
@ I am not looking for anyone who will tell me bull shit, to where I believe what is being said is at face value and is truly and heart-fully meant.
I am looking to be loved and to be accepted for who and what I am…just like every single other person on this planet…
I am not any different than any other human being; for I too have thoughts; I too have emotions; I too have feelings that can and do get hurt; I too have the ability to lose myself in whatever is happening; I too have the ability to not be perfect…
I too am a human being.
I have and am everything that everyone else in this world is…we all just look different on the outside…but on the inside…we all are one in some way…
I want to be honestly and fully cherished, beyond words, in at least one “special someone’s eyes”…just as others do…
I want to be genuinely happy throughout my entire life and being…just like others do…
I want to be loved for ME…just like other people do…
+ I want to be accepted for all of who I am…inside and appreciated for all of me…
…and at some point…maybe I will learn how to accept the fullest amount of blessings out there in the Universe to me…hopefully I can learn how to open myself to accept all of the brightest of light within and without…and soon…and keep that upbeat feeling within me and all around me and my precious ones in my heart…
…hopefully…soon…
9:08pm - AKA - 21:08
www. fetlife .com/users/484330/posts/1409908
Is it such a bad thing to have been concerned as much as I was about the various communities as to the references to kids in such regards, or is that something which was just too much to think about as to the larger overall portions of such works?
Am I truly that different as to such thoughts and stream line consciousness as to various times or situations as to that point in time in the year of 2013 compared to now in the year of 2021 for such a reviewal portion, or is that something which has not been thought of as to having had no one directly in my life in person where I could speak with them in person as to such factors and aspects thereof?
There truthfully has not been the point in time where I have been capable to go into larger depths of such relationships combined overall as to the various specifics until in realistic portions beginning in October of the year of 2019 through more recent aspects, though it is not where it is much different as to the amount of time by myself as to such situations which officially began in the December 2019 timeframe as to the comments in the news about COVID before in March 2020 as to the quarantines and the lockdowns in the comparisons. In such references as to the factors of such amounts of situations as well as such amounts of time prior to the year as to how I wound up in Washington state can be seen as to such aspects in the comparisons as to the darker colored background of fetlife as to the darker sensations as to being more open about my personal thought processes compared to the situations on Facebook as to such balancing referencing the aspects thereof, which I had gone through such details as to the reasons why Fridays and Saturdays were arranged for myself as to the comparisons as to the Sunday through Thursdays as to such schedules as to those years in the comparisons thereof regarding such time differences as to such reviewals now in the year of 2021.
I wonder in some ways if there are the aspects of which to the COVID as to certain aspects as to those who had knowingly seen and made the choices thereof as to such postings as to the factors of such others having found such references as to the knowledge as to the comparisons, as to the ways of which emotional health well being factors in the comparisons thereof as what is the reality of when there is genuine care and truthful concern as to taking such steps forward as to the correction of various factors in truthful review as to the ways of which clarify the details of for each individual?
The other night when I went to a karaoke location I met an individual who said each person is their own brand which I had not thought about such aspects as to the portions thereof as that was a new idea as to not having thought about such factors, as the ways which he had described various points was extremely insightful in the multitude of ways as it was definitely a different concept to ponder and wonder about.
The ironies as to such needs to verify and clarify as best as possible knowing other factors in reference to the Irving situation, as to the ways of such situations having lead up to this point as while I know I need to get to other situations thereof; the reality of what has been in certain references nagging in regards of bringing such clarifications forward, seemingly as the ways the portions of this particular aspect seem as though I may have realized such before in prior journal blog entries though the ways which I had not remembered until he had said specific words throughout the discussion as to other aspects in different ways as to the combined situations in other factors which seems important as to the clarifications as to the portions thereof if that makes any sense to who might read through such aspects as well as who might have read such prior portions thereof.
I suppose 88 writings is only a few though an irony as to the numerical portions of writings as to the comparisons as to the year of beginning second grade, and other such ironic aspects as to combined situations of those years when I was growing up in New Jersey though throughout the northeast area of the United States of America.
I am thankful and grateful to the evening's events as to the various individuals I was capable to have discussions with as well as sing, as there are some oddities which became a bit clearer as to such a point in time in conjunction with church services earlier today. Various signs to think about and wonder, while pondering various aspects thereof as to the culminations.
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