In reference of combining all of my journals I wrote through my original #fetlife account which I will post the link at the bottom for the clarifications thereof, I am going to have the transparency brought forward as to what can be seen from the original posting dates as to the current timeframe of this day 28 November 2021 for those to see as to my original #Facebook accounts of Susan MeeLing as well as Lady Dori Belle for the additional ability to see the connection links as to what I had discussed for many years and decades in person as well as online as to such factors as best as I could as to the circumstances. Possibly such details will assist to make sense, in the comparisons thereof as to the amounts of details though in addition I do not pretend or hide myself from my truth which others should realize it is important to be honest and truthful in many more ways than just in one or two moments as it is imperative to be more capable to recognize the truth in such aspects of life for far more than some might have realized despite all of my warnings as to what I knew to bring forward to assist as best as possible.
I will begin with posting my newer updated journals from my original account and work backwards as to the irony I noticed. There will be plenty to read in the ways of, whether or not you choose to venture into the areas of the website fetlife.
Posted on 4 March 2013 : Who has honestly not ever had the slightest sensations of such when reviewing their own lives in genuine truth when in such reviews, as I doubt I can genuinely be the only one who has ever reviewed as to any situation in such ways honestly.
The Explanation...
I despise myself...
I despise my life...
I despise every single aspect that is anything about or who "I am" as a person or a "being" within this existence...
I have been called every name in the books, for so many things that I have and I have not done; in accordance to what other people would THINK is the best course of action...versus what choices I have made...
...some are correct...
...some only have part of the story...
...some are so far off out into the galaxy that they past the exterior of the Milky Way's edge...
Over the years, those who know me, know some of the trials and tribulations that I have been put through...; tested with...; thrown under the row of buses and semi-truck 18 wheelers as they barreled down the highway, as fast as their engines would allow...; and so on and so forth within my life...
...but ESPECIALLY over the past few years...starting in the August time frame of 2009 as school started, with the I.S.D. and the school and their lack of aid to help my daughter; causing the zoo and all other issues where the school allowed my little baby girl to be ridiculed by the teacher as well as classmates...let alone all other problems...
So...as those who have known and/or met me over the years, you know some of the actions that I have taken in aiding my daughter's recovery, from:
moving, going through all involved with moving from the packers/movers to finding a good area for my son, and paying for each move from city to city to be near the R.T.C. that she was placed in for 24/7 for at least 2 months...usually lasting 4.5 - 5 months...
taking her to all therapy and doctor appointments, when she was not within a hospital confound...
selling my house, LARGE numbers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy below market value at the time...not including the fact that the room addition that I designed had only been completed for less than 2 weeks before the house was put on the market...and of course...there was not any profitable return on ANY ASPECT...
my daughter has been 3 Residential Treatment Centers (and recommended for a 4th stent, but is denied because of the 3 prior R.T.C.s and I am being told that she needs Long Term Treatment (which by the way, the youngest that Long Term Treatment Insurance is allowed for is 45 years old and above - children are NO WHERE to be found for that type of insurance - let alone the price monthly for someone who IS just 45); she has been in-patient to 13+ Acute Care Mental Health Facilities (***NOT INCLUDING REPEAT ADMISSIONS TO THE SAME HOSPITAL); and then there are the countless Emergency Room visits for her self-harming behavior, for her assaulting her brother to the point that he needed medical care AS WELL AS Physical Therapy; and so on...
A few weekends ago, I took my daughter with me to D.F.W. ad on the way; she lost it...again...and bad...
She escaped from holding my hand and ran into the gas station parking lot, and I was literally just about 1 foot away from the bumper as I ran to grab her. After getting her, making her go into the car, and then after spending 20 something minutes trying to calm down the Grandmother who went on about how she has children my kid's age...before I just had to leave the female as my child was kicking windows, doors, and everything else...
I called Terrell County and they told me to go to Timberlawn...so...that is where she went because I was told that
Timberlawn could get my child into the Long Term Therapy within the state.
When I had my family therapy session...I was informed that only children and adults with a specific insurance (one provided through the state - which I do not qualify for because of making between $57.00 to $300 too much either for the month or for the year, in some cases...) So, I was told that I had 2 options, by the therapist who met with me.
* OPTION #1.):
I can and will continue to repeatedly go through the agony of having to place my child into each Acute Care Center, one after the other, after the other, after the other; etc...until either the insurance finally accepts my appeal (I have done 3 appeals, the 3rd being the last one allowed AND I contacted the Texas Board of Insurance for help...without any response...)
With this option, that I was given as part of my reality, he also alerted me that my son and all involved with me would continuously be going through what has happened before, and it will continue to worsen...
...
...sigh...
* OPTION #2.)
The therapist said that my only other option is to give up Parental Rights to my daughter to C.P.S. and/or someone else who can take care of my child's needs; as he said, "...though you have done all that you have...it is not and will never be enough for what your daughter needs..."
That set of statements and their explanations, ripped my soul into shreds...and I a still, so very wounded over everything...
So...those who know me, know that my mother recommended me giving my daughter up as a Ward of the State 2+ years ago...and she got the ass chewing of her LIFE, before she was able to finally figure out how to press the button to end the call...only to call back later in the day, for some reason thinking that I had calmed down (because hanging the phone up on me is "such" a "good idea"...)
Now that it is 2+ years after the initial conversation...and I have repeatedly heard my mom and then later my dad, bring up giving up my daughter...I would fight them and fight them...
...however...
Now, I hate myself...
I hate my parents for being correct...
I despise life, over-all...
...and I had to make the HARDEST decision that I have ever gone through; in the entirety of my existence...
...sigh...
I finally had the balls to contact C.P.S. and request aid...again...for the 4th time now...
In this process, I have been informed that I may loose both children from the judge; as the state is now investigating me for
"...purposely trying to make [my] daughter ill...forcing her into hospitals when there was no need..." and so on...
Did she look at the prior records that the state has on my children and I?
Nope.
She acknowledged that she saw the huge stack for my name, but did not bother to look over anything because she did not want to be influenced by others' decisions...
...sigh...
...great...
So...I broke down...I made contact with my ex-husband's family member whom I trusted ONLY...I explained why I had not communicated with her, even though she was one of the 2 people that I actually wanted to keep in contact with, but because of her family associations; I stayed away. I sent her a message on Friday. Then I sent 2 messages on Saturday. (all through Facebook, so it states the time that the other person read your note to them) On Sunday, I contacted her twice, and in the final message: I told her I saw and knew all EXACT times that she read each message (and I gave the times and dates so she knew that I was not lying); I told her the timeline that C.P.S. had given me. I told her, in the end; the worker was going to call me on such and such day, at such and such time...and if I had no response by then; there would be no further contact...ever...
She FINALLY responded, trying to threaten me and explained how she wants to harm me for "...all that has been done to the family over Robert's death and since..."; she went on about how I am not "woman enough" to give her my telephone number (I am not stupid...I am not going to give the family the ability to actually make contact with me - unless necessary
- which until now, there has been no need); she went on about how I have manipulated her family, but no actual explanation as to how or what I actually DID to be a "manipulator"; the whole "Houdini Act" as I did not contact them for the past 3+ years; and so on and so forth.
Of course "bitch" was thrown around...but as she was reminded...I am PROUD of my ethnicity...so I am PROUD to be half Chinese...meaning I am PROUD of being born in the year of the Dog...
...only fitting...
;-P
My response to her was short..."-ish"...
She was alerted of what her brother, sister, and mother did and did not do. I explained all of the traveling to her family that
I did with the kids (including reminding her that I had driven 6+ hours out of my way; one way, so she could see the kids, outside of a funeral setting, for a few days in her town in Georgia, on our way to Boca Raton, Florida...but apparently, that is not good enough). I let her know that as her family told her that they were "...so involved with {child]'s care...don't understand why she (me) disappeared..." I very willingly and up front let her know, if she wanted, I would give her my child's previous patient I.D. Numbers, the dates in which institutions, and she would be given permission to look over who all visited my daughter in the hospital...but no response, in the end of all bull shit, drama, and garbage from her relatives.
She was given until 9 a.m. this morning to let me know one way or another...I contacted her one last time, letting her know that I had already received a call from the C.P.S. Worker wanting to know what the situation was going to be with the other side of the family...I extended the time by 15 minutes after 09:00, just so she could have a little extra time...
Now...at 11:00 a.m.; I still have had no response about my ex-husband's family wanting to have anything to do with my daughter...as stated...if it was my son (he carried the last name and is the LAST male of the family able to - or that version of that name they have dies), the family let me know that on no un-certain terms, they would be there for him in a heart-beat...
As I have gone on about how the ex's family ostracized my daughter and made my son a "higher priority" than both kids being equals within the family unit...this response, honestly...and unfortunately...did not surprise me...
...sigh...
So, here is where I wish everything about me was different and better and more equipped and...just whatever was needed to aid BOTH of my children...
...but I do not...I have nothing valuable to aid...I cannot help or even get help for my daughter...so...I have had to finalize the comments to the C.P.S. Worker in order to start the paperwork and trial...
...sigh...
As if it was not a hard enough decision to come to, throughout the years...but to be told that I "...view the kids as disposable..." ...
...
...yeah...that comment did NOT go over so well, with the message to me...
...
...sigh...
This is all bull shit and right now I HATE EVERYTHING...
www. fetlife .com/users/484330/posts/1441989
The reality of what occurred as to my ex-in-laws as well as my biological mother/father/sister as to such factors in truth, only in such reviews more officially in the years from 2019 through 2021 has such situations been proven in the larger aspects I remember having told people of before in multiple areas and throughout multiple years. However those people's claims as to such factors as to what they thought only because of the physical aspects in the comparisons to the actualities of the situations, had been a needless burden additionally as to what I was dealing with.
I have taken the time and made the efforts for compassion towards myself though that requires certain factors such as proper medical care as to the aspects of others actually doing their employment correctly, as well as other situations of which I have personally worked for the betterment of as to my personal financial situations as to knowing the importance of such aspects and having made multiple attempts throughout the years and decades to actually earn on my own in comparison to the allowance sensation as to my medical retirement in comparison as to what I worked towards earning on my own through all of my modeling as well known as to the ways which such managerial portions are supposed to have contacted me if there was an interest in comparison to ever going anywhere else to anyone else as to such references.
In the same factors as to my work as to my books as well as my artwork and such thereof situations, as I did not ever give anyone the permissions assumed as per the reality of the ways of protecting myself as best as possible and what was the facts I have always known what was best and most ideal for myself from an extremely young age because of what I told other people about in reference to the problems in regards of what others had refused to believe as they should have all heeded my warnings as to my biological mother/father/sister in comparison as to what I know over time has had to be proven as to such factors in full truth.
The irony in reference to the aspects of those who preferred my now dead-ex-husband as to such regards as to his ideals and his wants for me to have a better life in reference to the realities of which were acknowledged as to how much was messed up because of the amount of failures everywhere as to the multitude of individuals throughout such areas of my life, as I had dealt with a few conversations as to not having given enough warnings as accused of in such comparisons as to what others can review as to my journal blog of such warnings though in comparison to in person when in person face to face as to such differences as to my writings. It is not my fault others chose their biases in comparison to paying attention to the truth, as each has to deal with such factors in comparison as they themselves are the ones to blame as to the reality of how much have I repeated myself when I can actually remember having gone over such details as then which individual truly has to see such factors in writing comparatively as then what is the intellect level for such portions thereof?
My now dead-ex-husband admitted he knew I would need to find much better than what the garage situation had been as to such references and regards as even he had admitted as to the requirements of such consensual aspects, though different wording as to the discussions back in the year of 2007 regarding my best interests. Though I guesstimate there are few individuals who ever thought about those factors, as what would it take to think about such factors?
The answer, is thought.
Comments